Batrrey Boy

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 </em>The following is a Copy N Paste version of a thread that has universally become known as the Batrrey Boy Thread. Thanks to all the contributors to the thread.


Submitted by a Holden Fan on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 00:35. EH
my name is cricket i am glad i found this sight i have got a holden belmont the batrrey has run out witch is a turnip for the books the man that toad is said the electrisserty has leeked out and to keep it in the dark witch i havent herd befor but it makes sence becaus it never runs out at nite butter coarse i only have a carpoort so Qestion ;will a car cover from supercheep make enough darknes to stop it leeking again i have covered all the wires with black tape so it will keep most of the darknes in also wear do i get some electrisserty to fill the batrrey it is about three qarters full another words i need about a litre and wear do i fill the ultranatur so i can top it up i dont want to run out again
Your joking, right?
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 00:56.
Joking or stupid.

0ur primary school teachers
Submitted by a Holden Fan (not verified) on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 01:09.
have a lot to answer for!!!
I 'll sell ya as much electicity as you want, 50 cents a litre!!!
Cheers Bobby
Submitted by ReaperHR on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 01:14.
This is going to be awesome to watch.

Submitted by L34 in hatch on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 01:25.
Geez that's hard to read and understand.

It shows how kids can slip behind or forgotten when there is heaps of kids in one class and only one teacher.

But mate if the battery is stuffed, get a new one. Don't muck around with a 1/2 dead battery that goes flat every now and then...

Ha ha, you don't top up the alternator! You top up the battery if it is down! Distilled water for a top-up.

Joke or should always offer to help. (But hey, sometimes the help offered isn't the help they need!!!)

Help him ???
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 02:25.
Offering unqualified help might be all good when it comes to his electricals but unqualified phychiatric advice can gets you sued big time. He should go try a medical forum or perhaps being in such an advanced state such as his, He may be wiser to get his arse down to the nearest outpatients or trauma centre.

Submitted by a Holden Fan (not verified) on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 01:33.
Rule number 1:- Always spell your name with a capital!!
Class is in!!!!!!!!!
And I'm not baggin ya mate but , do your self a favour:- when the teacher speaks, listen!!!!!

Submitted by webber on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 05:54.
Capitals hey Bobby? lol...

Cricket, don't forget to top up your blinker fluid and fit new muffler bearings. Both these things need to be done when you run out of smoke in the battery.



Now Puter
Submitted by a Holden Fan (not verified) on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 01:37.
This is the future of our country!! Have some compasion, and stop Being a disruptive element in the classroom!! Now go to the naughty corner!!!!
Smokin aint allowed in school!!!
Cheers Bobby

Car Cover
Submitted by jack mac on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 02:37.
The Car Cover from Supercheep shud do the trik Cricket, but you may have to buy 2 to be dubbly shure.
You can only top up the ulternator after midnight on thursday using clean electrissity.
Good Luck.


Submitted by VH Tractor on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 02:53.
*Prods topic with ten foot pole*

Submitted by Qute on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:04.
You obviously haven't been paying attaention in Skool...Batrreys do not run on electrissity...they run on smoke.

Read and digest the following so you come up to speed with electrics...

Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working. The function of the wire harness is to carry the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards. Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brakes leak fluid, British tires leak air and the British defence establishment leaks, naturally, British electronics leak smoke.

Author Unknown

The Theory Explained through Discussion.

When wires smoke, how come the smoke is not the same color as the wire?

This is not completely true. When the smoke is in the wire, it is under pressure (called voltage). The pressure difference causes the color to change from the normal color we are used to. Not unlike the blood in our veins and arteries changing color due to the oxygen content. When the smoke escapes the wire and is exposed to air, the pressure is released, and the color reverts back to what we commonly recognize as smoke. The wire then changes to the color of the smoke that escaped.

I hope this helps you understand.

I would only question the last sentence of that description. It has been my experience that the wire turns a color directly opposite of the smoke.

Not always true, I think it must depend on the composition of the smoke in question.

I should have made it a little clearer; the color the wire becomes, is directly proportional to the escape velocity of the smoke. Higher velocities generate higher heat. This heat tends to burn the wire and affect the coloring. The statement was meant to be a generalization, indicating the fact that the color of the wire does in fact change. Sorry for the miscommunication.

I was speaking of electrical smoke which is generally white. The spent smoke casing generally assumes a color somewhat near black after the smoke leaves.

I can't stand it anymore! If, as you say, light bulbs suck up darkness and convert it to smoke which is transmitted (via wire) to a power source for recycling...why do car batteries go dead when lights are left on? Do car batteries (and flashlight batteries for that matter) have a limited amount of storage capability? Is it like a hard drive that gets so full that you have to double-space and then lose all data?

Now you're getting it.......

I thought you guys were smarter than this. Of course the battery stores the smoke. In fact it can store so much smoke that if you open the top and light a match, the resulting explosion can do serious damage. I'm sure you are aware that usually where there's smoke there's fire. If you connect the battery to a charger, the smoke is then returned to the wire (Remember, a light bulb wont work unless it is connected to a wire system) for the utility companies to use. Your hard drive analogy is a very good example.

Our hardware guys might be onto something in their quest for superior wiring. I have noticed the unique method of of series/parallel wiring the power strips on our systems seems to prevent the smoke from getting out of the wires. A "Smoke Loop" of sorts. In the case of the "smoked" workstation recently, you should notice that this was a conventional single power strip installation.

Since color is percieved by the cone shaped receptors in our eyes, and cones require more light that their rod shaped counterparts. Is the sky blue at night?

At night the process including contraction of the pupil is visual purple by which the eye adapts to conditions of increased illumination when facing 300 candle power redeflecting devices.

Since there is a spectrum of light that we as humans cannot see, I support the theory that everything is going up in smoke, we just can't see it. This may explain why the neighbors dog barks for no apparant reason.

I think your basic understanding of smoke systems is remarkable. However I find a flaw with your theory. The battery is a reusable storage device for smoke. therefore, one would assume that some sort of one way valve (we can call it a diode) should be needed to prevent pressure flooding back into the system while at rest. Unlike the A/C system, the smoke system is collecting darkness at the headlights and converting it to smoke. This causes the system to fill up. The battery can contain much higher pressures and volumes than the wires. If this pressure exceeds the capacity of the wire, it will cause a rupture as you described. The rupture can be controlled by a sacraficial device known as a fuse. But this still doesn't eliminate the problem. Perhaps a two way valve (zener diode) is used to allow a small amount of pressure to return to the system, and partially equalize. I find this theory unlikely though, due to the increase in the force required to start the pump (which is now under pressure) working again...

The smoke continues circulating through the system, due to the pressure differential in the battery (smoke pressure/vacuum reservoir). When the reservoir becomes depleted, the pressure simply equalizes everywhere in the system (similar to an A/C system when it's turned off) and stuff just wont work. Notice the relations: Work (W) = Force (F) x Distance (D); Force (F) = total difference in pressure (Dp) x Area (A). Therefore, the work done in a pressure system is: Dp x A x D. If the pressure differential (Dp) is reduced to zero then W = 0 x A x D = 0.

The smoke only escapes the wires when a path is created between the pressure differential areas (@ either the reservoir or the pump) that has too little restriction. When this happens, the smoke travels through the wires so fast that the friction between the smoke and the outer walls of the wiring heats the wires until they rupture. The smoke continues to escape until its pressure is equalized with the atmosphere, or until the conduit that provides the path between pressure areas is severed. When this happens, the sudden drop in pressure allows the wires to "collapse" slightly and, being soo hot, as the edges of the ruptures and severed ends touch, the material becomes fused, sealing the system and retaining the remaining smoke.

Don't forget, when the system is at rest, all the valves, (switches and relays) are closed, keeping the pressure areas separated. When restarting the pump, as long as everything is OK, the smoke pressure is equal on both sides of the pump and there is no net force on the pump when it begins operating again. Also, within the pump there are pressure/volume actuated one-way valves with restrictors built in, arranged in such a way that they keep excess smoke volume recirculating through an integral smoke loop, which maintains the pressure within manageable limits.

The excess smoke, created by the light/smoke converters (headlights and other darkness absorbing devices), is changed back to darkness and dissipated in small unit concentrations so its dark effect is not locally observed. The smoke pump impeller (stator), converts smoke into magnetic flux which does work on the engine. Some of the excess work energy is dissipated through the cooling system and exhaust in the form of heat, while the remaining work energy is converted back to smoke and distributed evenly in small concentrations as you drive. This maintains the total quantity of smoke in the system at an average that does not change over time.

Cheers...Dave :-)

no no no LMAO
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 04:34.
I'm balling my eyes out, too good .lol, mi gottas gets out dside .,.,.. i need airs lol

Submitted by sweetHQ on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 04:45.
Oh my god Dave!!!!! im to much of a tired arse to even read that much let alone sit and type it with my extreme one finger typing.
Well done, now its got the better of me i have to read it
Cheers Rhys

Dave gives me a brain ache
Submitted by bogan on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 08:11.
Don't talk so much about that. Dose that explain when bogans battery fell over,and the power lead shorted out and all the sparks fell out. plenty of smoke then. melted power lead. and smoke every where. Have to go to repco for a new jar of sparks. again.

Sparks and Smoke for Bogan
Submitted by Qute on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 08:34.
Nah, mate, you don't need a jar of sparks....they are used when welding with a smoke powered device. In fact, when welding, the sparks make the wire so hot where it meets the metal that some smoke escapes...

What you need from REPCO is a can of compressed smoke. There should be a very well disguised connection on the top of your battery that you hook the little connection that comes with the can to (after inserting the other end of the connection into the can's spray nozzle) and you can then top up your battery's smoke level.

The sparks you saw were actually bits of smoke escaping at extremely high velocities which heated them up so much that they became points of light (like when an asteroid or space junk enters the atmosphere).

I hope this clears it up for you... :-))


Qute-part number needed
Submitted by bogan on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 06:39.
Have you got a part number for that compressed smoke ?I don't won't to get the wrong one again. Last one i got was for compressed smoke for the exhausts, not good. bogan......

Part Number
Submitted by Qute on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 06:45.
I seem to recall it was Part Number F001 or something like that :-))

At least, I ***THINK*** it was a number one on the end...could have been an "L" I suppose...


Electricity, don't think its smoke
Submitted by Jacks on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 19:43.
Dave, read your bit, but got stumped on that there Lucas bloke with his manifestation known as "smoke" recons the thing that makes electrical circuits work; I stand corrected of coarse, but do rember some block by the name of Vacuum, and he infact proved Lucas wrong in his theory, he made quite a bit of commoshion at the time, took the wind right out of him so to speak, vacuum that is, he recons there's no smoke there
then one day,yer it was raining , some bloke flying his kite , suddenly right out of the clouds he recons he has the Key on were electricity comes from, as vacuum had proven Lucas wrong, then this bloke Ben errrr somthing,yer thats him Franklin he recons electricity is a liquid going from one point to another,
well not to Be out done along comes this other feller, Faraday and he recons he can get it from magnets and a bit of wire ,he called it plus and minus, come to thing of it have seen that on my car battery, so might be some truth to that, dunno realy as was told you can get it from all types of batteries dry cells wet cells, evan sealed cells, then some bloke bloke recons that you can get it from Mercury but that realy got me thinking that a long way to go
come to think of it what does it look like as I havent seen it, did feel it a couble of times when it touched me, as was told not to touch it as its live electricity, but it was so quick when it touched me ,must have been in a hurry as I didn't see it, so was wondering maybe some one might let me know what it looks like, I mean it got to be there some place ;-)))Jacks
QLD 4165
Jacks shed

High Voltage Smoke
Submitted by Qute on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 21:12.
AH, yes, I now remember Vacuum sucking the wind out of Lucas's sails...

The Liquid Theory was debunked several years ago by Hugh Pressure. He discovered that gas is actually a liquid and their behaviours are therefore essentially the same. If the gaseous Smoke is under pressure, its behaviour mimics those of just molten solids very closely. Hence the earlier confusion.

While electricity is VERY quick, it is also VERY lazy. It will travel through a complete circuit from Perth to Brisbane and back to avoid jumping a 10 mm gap. This is also a Safety and Efficiency Feature as electricty jumping a 10 mm gap will almost certainly allow the escape of some smoke and therefor the loss of some power.

The electricity that touched you would have lost power by the escape of some smoke from your clothing, hair, finger nails, etc. This is not a very efficient way to go and is why touching electricity is not recommended. It is very hard to contain in the first place and wasting it by touching it and allowing the smoke to escape so easily harks back to the middle of last century when smoke was plentiful. So much smoke was wasted during the 2 World Wars, the Korean and Vietnam Conflicts and, more recently, in the Middle East that we are in danger of running short of Smoke, especially considering the rising demand for the stuff.

Have you ever stopped to consider why the Government is trying so hard to phase out cigarettes? It is because the wasting of Smoke for purely personal pleasure is becoming economically unviable (in the same way that a Sunday Drive is becoming too costly for the average man in the street - Actually, if he isn't out driving he will be the Average Man in the Home/Garden/Garage wouldn't he?).

Similarly, governments all around the world have legislated to reduce Smoke emissions from cars and industry? Why? Because we are in danger of running out of Smoke. That's why! And demand for Smoke increases every day!

So, we must ALL do our bit to conserve Smoke for future generations. If we don't, they may never know the pleasure of coughing your lungs up first thing in the morning as you reach for your packet of Smokes...

Cheers...Dave :-))

save on smoke
Submitted by Jacks on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 23:12.
Dave, well can see that its a good point in what your saying,save the smoke, nevertheess, whats the best way to store it, any clues
I have heard that there are smoke detectors out there, so don't want to get robbed and loose what I save, it may be worth it weight in gold later on,
might be able to camouflage it what do you recon,
have noticed it in various colours, black, white, red, etc, are some more valuable than others
heard a bloke shout out " Holy Smoke"
is that the best ?
it was very quick smoke ,as i din't actualy see it, is that the high votage smoke you mean, what does it look like please
seeing you have inside info on this, that other are not privy to, was wondering, maybe you could advise, as I dont want to save the wrong smoke ;-))
Cheers, Jacks
QLD 4165

Hey Smoke Guru's
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 23:27.
Ja thinks maybe one of yooz can helps me fix my grouse magna, well it do used to go grouse but it started leaking smoke. Now i read all of the lecctricy stuff but my smoke was getting out from the tyres, am confusicled a bit because i dont know if the tyre repairs person cheated me by filling my tyres with smoke or it's just coincidence.
Speaking of them coincidences heres yet sumore...I noticed that smoke was excaping from the front tyres only and not the back also i noticed that the front ones was sitting on concrete while the back ones were sitting on dirt, the dirt being close to black in coulor, This all took place in daylight too, if that makes a diference.
Please help, I WUV MY MAGNA.

Puter- smoke
Submitted by bogan on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 07:01.
Bogans got heaps of smoke, in the griller , the battery , the BBq ,the garden, the dogs arse, bogans arse,and sometimes the H.Z. even smokes, smoke everywhere.

Hello Bogan
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 07:49.
Do you want to buy my Magna, I'm finished with it now.
Prolly needs another battery as i noticed a little smoke escaping yesterday, other than that...a bit of super glue and ya right ( be sure to use OEM misfitbitchy superglue).
Coupla dollars or so.

Two Dollars!
Submitted by Qute on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 07:57.
Two bucks for the Magana????? Geez, no need to rip poor Bogan off... :-))


My grouse Magna
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 08:22.
It'll be a classic one day, wait'n'see.

Too Old
Submitted by Qute on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 08:27.
I'm not young enough to see THAT day...


That's ok, ya old fart
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 08:52.
I'm not trying to sell it to you, i offered it to Bogan. (I'd hate to be accused of preying on soft targets) :P

puters targets
Submitted by bogan on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 09:11.
I'll buy it for $3.00 . nice tomatoe grower,stuff the $ will cost me to get it here... bargin....

SOLD !!!
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 09:56.
Three bucks it is.
I would work out your fuel costs for it's trip to your joint but i dunno the fuel consumption figures of your tow car, lol.

Save The Smoke
Submitted by Qute on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 00:34.
You're right Jacks, it does come in different colours which is only important when you are trying to colour co-ordinate your smoke with its container. As can be seen in my dissertation above, the colour of the smoke varies with the velocity of its you can have smoke of any colour you wish (sort of Designer Smoke) if you can control its escape velocity...

Smoke Detectors are VERY important as they will tell you when excessive amounts of your smoke are escaping and it can cost lots of money to replace smoke. Additionally, as you point out above, it will only get more expensive as time goes on.

Holy Smoke is a very special mix and the formula is a closely guarded secret between all the Churches of the world. Why do we never see the Pope, the Archbishop of Cantebury, the Allayatolla and all the other Religious Leaders of the world together in the one spot at the one time? Because, if they were all killed together, the world would lose the recipe for Holy Smoke. It is the same reason that all the people who know the recipe for Coca Cola are never in the same place at the same time...

Smoke can be categorised by the colour too:

White Smoke - Tradies' Smoke

Black Smoke - Rich People's Smoke

Blue Smoke - Your Average Man's Smoke

Red/Orange/Green/etc Smoke - Special Ceremonial Smoke

Holy Smoke - Sorry, can't tell you colour of that one....It is worth more than my life to tell....

My advice is to save ANY smoke you can get hold of. Like diamonds, the rarer colours all appreciate in price more, but they ALL will appreciate in price to a certain extent.

As lectrissity travels at the speed of light, a clear picture of it has never been taken. This is, currently, the subject of a special Research Project in the Front Bar of the Widgemooltha Tavern with funding from the CSIRO. As soon as any results are available for Public Consumption, I'll let you know.


As explained before, smoke is generated in an alternator or generator by spinng magnets around wires or vice-versa. You, obviously had steel belted Radials on your Magana and, as the wheels spun, the belts formed a magnetic field around themselves thereby creating the smoke. Very wastfully, you neglected to connect your tyres to your battry thereby allowing HEAPS of Smoke to escape into the atmosphere...very wasteful of you mate! Alternatively, your battery was already full of Smoke and what we saw in the photos was simply the overflow.

The proximity of your rear tyres to black dirt wasn't a factor in their non-production of Smoke, in this case. It was the fact that they weren't spinning, so no magnetic field was created, so no Smoke.


Holy war smoke
Submitted by Circlotron on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 07:58.
Quoting Qute:
"Why do we never see the Pope, the Archbishop of Cantebury, the Allayatolla and all the other Religious Leaders of the world together in the one spot at the one time? Because, if they were all killed together, the world would lose the recipe for Holy Smoke."

But that would be more than made up for by the fact that the rest of the world would then stop having wars and wasting lots of smoke as mentioned elswhere on this thread.

Holy Smoke
Submitted by Jacks on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 15:05.
Dave, didn't realise that Holy Smoke was a secret thanks for the tip, so will not be looking for that as I suppose it odourless, tasteless and one cant see it,
however, I'm not sure, so I stand corrected,
as some time back you may recall youself a feller by the name of Nat King Cole, he wrote a song about it I think, as in the song he said " when a lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes" maybe thats it "Holly Smoke" maybe he knew eh,
my reason being is that I have had smoke in my eyes and when I looked I couldn't see it, so am I on the right track what do you think?

the other thing is seeing that some smoke is more valuable than others, as you say, must admit I realy didnt Know that, but I guess your right, as can also recall whist driving with the radio on, listening to the news ,they announced that a large factory has gone up in smoke and it looked like about five million dollars worth, but seeing I couldn't see the colour I now know what you mean, about the colour bit
which brings me back to another question, was wondering, you know how you can mix paint to get certain colours, well is there a special way of mixing smoke to get the rarer colours, if so could you please advise , also can I freeze it as i thought maybe if its fresh smoke might be worth more, just a thought ;-))
BTW, those black bits on the candle are they worth keeping, as I have been throwing them out

QLD 4165

All Quiet on the Smoke Front
Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 22:38.
Shhhh...You heard what happened to Nat King Cole, didn't you? Coincidence? I think not...

On the other hand, there is a name for a colourless, odourless and tasteless is generally referred to as Carbon Monoxide...lots of that comes out of car exhausts so I don't reckon it is Holy Smoke...

Why do factories let so much smoke out when they burn down? Dark Suckers...the ones they use in factories are huuuuge and it takes enormous amounts of smoke to power them. When they blow (from the heat of the fire) they let the enormous amounts of smoke out...simple, really.

I'll have to do some research with the guys in the front bar of the Widgemooltha Tavern on the possibilities of mixing smoke to get different colours. The only way I know to do it is to control the escape velocity.

As for freezing smoke...that's just not possible in a domestic (or even most commercial) situations. You must get the smoke down to 0 degrees Kelvin (-273 degrees C) and most freezers just aren't powerful enough. Even liquid nitrogen struggles to freeze have probably seen on TV, when they open those urns of liquid nitrogen, there is always some unfrozen smoke escaping.....

You can freeze the dark bits of the candle that have absorbed the smoke if you want to. Dunno if I'd bother about freezing them though, they go all crunchy where they should really be chewy...

Cheers...Dave :-))

With my experience over 20
Submitted by a Striped-Paint Fan (not verified) on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:07.
With my experience over 20 years in the trade particularly as an apprentice, may I suggest you go to your nearest Repco spare parts shop tomorrow and ask the oldest salesman for 10kg of alternator sparks. I know this sound a lot, but the good-quality ones will last longer and it is always handy to keep some spares in the boot for the long trips. You just never know when you (or someone else) will need them. Please let us know how you go (a video from the repco shop transaction would be nice). Regards

Submitted by Qute on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:07.
Forgot a need to leave your Dark Sucking Devices (commonly, and incorrectly, referred to as "lights") turned on to suck in dark.


Batrrey reeding
Submitted by jack mac on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:17.
G'day Dave.
Well done! If this wasn't a joke. Cricket will still be reading your smoke post until well after Christmas. lol.
If he replies, I'm with Dusty. lol.


Cricket is no Joke
Submitted by Qute on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:28.
On the other hand, cricket is...I almost wet myself before I finished reading his post..... giving Spelling and Gramar advice? PRICELESS! :-))


"Think more, Post less"

shoor 'nuff
Submitted by Arsewipe on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:20.
but arnt dem cardy cuvvers yeller???,
wunt day let da lite frew???
i rekkon ud need one o dem dare silva ones dat r fikka????

Silence is Non Committal

Submitted by blissy on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 03:34.
if u get a bycical pump u can sux sum eletricary from your lite glob in your bedroom about 30 pumps and pump it into your key hole befor u start the car shold be anuf to get i start.

Submitted by steving on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 08:08.
hey cricket buddy if you paint your concrete black with a spray can
then it will suck up all the lectricaty you have lieing around in your carport, but you have to be careful to leave gaps beetween the black concrete and your wheels or else it will just suck more letcricity out of your batchry. then to get the lectricity out of your concrete just roll your car faward on to the black stuff and start it up quickly or it might blow up from too much volts
good luck
and it has to be gloss black not matt black

I'm Back Cricket!!!
Submitted by only milk and e... on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 19:05.
Can't stop the tears rolling down my cheeks.
This is as good as it gets!
I'm gunna save this thread in my favourites.
It wins by a country mile!!!
Cheers Bobby

Hey jacks
Submitted by only milk and e... on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 19:50.
I cant describe what electricty looks like, but have had it touch me more than once!! A good visual is maybe a white Anglo male with blonde hair :-as a before shot
And Bill cosby circa 1971 ( affro enlarged) as the aftershot??
LOL;P Bobby

Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 21:22.
Hope your bloody proud of yourself, coming around here asking the most dickwacking dribbledick questions...LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE MORON !!!!
You've started one of "THE GREATEST" threads i've seen :P

Anyone got a cricket ball
Submitted by only milk and e... on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 21:31.
I'll bat you guys can bowl!!!!!

That's what's up with Cricket ?
Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 21:41.
He spends too much time "batting" lol.

Submitted by Jacks on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 22:29.
Bobby, well nice to see you have been touched by the same bloke, but then it might be a woman, you said blonde, what about a red head, no not that one, no hair, just a red head ;-)
but then again I don’t know as I just read in the local paper,
baker gets killed by electricity, so I asked the misses, had she heard about him, she said yes he trod on a current, so now I’m really confused, as I know what a current looks like, seen it down the river, so there a clue better look for something that flows ;-))

Cheers, Jacks
QLD 4165

Crickets off having a bat!!!
Submitted by only milk and e... on Wed, 26/07/2006 - 23:57.
And hopefuly will come back after the next over!!
We need this guy!! He's irreplacable!!
L.O.L 8P Bobby

Submitted by steving on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 08:03.
i hear that lectricity aka light travels at 186 thousand miles per second or 300 thousand ks a second, i recon thats neally as fast as my statesman
but can lectricity do wheel stands?

Submitted by 74hjls on Thu, 27/07/2006 - 15:17.
Lecktrickery, NO such thing, I should know I am a Lectrician. What you think are lights are really dark absorbers, when you flick the switch the bulb absorbs all the dark in the room so you can see. You will also notice if you open a door it will start to absorb light in the next room or just outside a window. When a bulb breaks all the dark falls out of it and you cant see again.

"Old Holdens never die, they just go faster"

Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 07:37.
Went searching for info' on Smoke today...found this and the next 2 posts worth, plus an Ebay Auction that I'll post up on the main page (if I can get it out of PDF format...).

From a Dave Barry column.

Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in.

Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he
started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have
become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments.

Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an
electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond -- almost.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand
of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.

But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.

In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937. Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."


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Dark Suckers
Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 07:44.
Dark Suckers

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson,
proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of
light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.

Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored.

Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

Author Unknown


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Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 07:48.
Not directly related to Smoke, but funny never the less...

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.

Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the Midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of Styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It's Not Too Late!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical by contacting your Local Member of Parliament.

What you don't know can hurt you.

(In case you haven't worked it out...Dyhydrogen Monoxide is H2O a.k.a. water...)


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New Old Stock Lucas Smoke
Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 08:03.
The original Ebay ad for this is in PDF format so I can't upload it....

Here is the text of the add:

eBay item 4554570060 (Ends Jun-11-05 11:24:18 PDT) - NOS Lucas R...

Listed in eBay Motors > Parts & Accessories > Collector Car & Truck
Back to home page category: Parts > Lighting & Lamps

NOS Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke KitItem number: 4554570060
MG AC Triumph Jaguar TVR Rolls Healey, etc. w/adapter

Current bid: US $199.95

1 bid (US $199.95 starting
eauctionpartner ( 33 )
Autodynamics, Belington
United States

Shipping costs: Check item description and
payment instructions or
contact seller for details

Shipping and payment details
Description (revised)

Have you inadvertantly let the smoke out of the wires on your classic British car? This, then, is the solution to your problem!

Here is presented for your perusal one Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke kit, P/N 530433, along with the very rare Churchill Tool 18G548BS adapter tube and metering valve.

These kits were supplied surreptitiously to Lucas factory techincians as a trouble-shooting and repair aid for the rectification of chronic electrical problems on a plethora of British cars. The smoke is metered, through the fuse box, into the circuit which has released it's original smoke until the leak is located and repaired. The affected circuit is then rectified and the replacement smoke re-introduced. An advantage over the cheap repro smoke kits currently available is the exceptionally rare Churchill metering valve and fuse box adapter. It enables the intrepid and highly skilled British Car Technician to meter the precise amount of genuine Lucas smoke required by the circuit.

Unlike the cheap, far-eastern replacement DIYsmoke offered by the "usual suppliers", this kit includes a filter to ensure that all the smoke is of consistent size, It has been our experience in our shop that the reproduction Tiawanese smoke is often "lumpy", which will cause excessive resistance in our finely-engineered British harnesses and components. This is often the cause of failure in the repro electrical parts currently available, causing much consternation and misplaced cursing of the big three suppliers.

These kits have long been the secret weapon of the "Ultimate Authorities" in the trade, and this may be the last one available. Be forewarned, though, that it is not applicable to any British vehicle built after the discontinuing of bullet connectors, so you Range Rover types are still on your own...

This Genuine Factory Authorised kit contains enough smoke to recharge the entire window circuit on a 420 Jaguar, and my dear friend and advisor George Wolf of British Auto Specialty assures me that he can replace ALL the smoke in a W&F Barrett All-Weather Invalid Car(147 CC) with enough left over to test a whole box of Wind-Tone horns for escaped smoke. How much more of an endorsement do you need?

More, you say? Well, I once let the smoke out of the overdrive wiring on my friend Roger Hankey's TR3B, and was able to drive over 200 miles home from The Roadster Factory Summer Party by carefully introducing smoke into the failed circuit WITHOUT even properly repairing the leak. Another friend, Richard Stephenson, was able to repair the cooling fan circuit of his Series 1 E-type by merely replacing a fuse and injecting a small quantity of smoke back into the wires. So there!

So, if you're troubled by lost smoke, bid early and bid often! Thanks for looking!

FREE Counters and Services from Andale

Questions from other members

Q: Will you ship to the UK? As you can imagine, the amount of Lucas smoke that has inadvertently escaped over the years is far too great to be replaced...more
A: Perhaps I should leak-test my unit. That could explain what passes for summer around here, as well. Thanks for the insight!

Q: If you could mass produce this valuable addition to any British car, you could change the world! I own three of them and carry spare "smoke filled wires"...more
A: It's been tried. It seems that the Smiths kegs won't dispense anything at a desired temperature, and the Lucas Bakelite tap handles become brittle below...more

Q: Sir, My 55 TF1500 has been converted to negative earth by DPO. When using the 530433, should all electrics be set to "dim" "flicker" or "off"? ..or as...more
A: Hi, David- You have obviously answered your first question through careful reasoning. As for your second, 50 degrees F. and 100% humidity, with a dew point...more

Q: 1) When the Brits took over the aircooled VW plant after WW2 did they use Lucas smoke? I own an old triumph and the smoke emmitted from my '62 bug smells...more
A: That is more likely the smell from your overheated wet carpet, but it's worth a try!

Q: Sorry to keep asking questions, but the general run of questions and answers has been so informative and enlightening, that this has become a fascinating...more
A: As Mr. Head relates in his seminal work "Smoke and Mirrors" (Luddite Press, 1947), the
connectors were originally designed as a mere structural member,...more

I am more than happy to E-mail a copy of the original to anyone who wants it.


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Submitted by Circlotron on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 08:04.
Wasn't that on slashdot just yesterday?

Wet Circ
Submitted by Qute on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 08:07.
Dunno has been floating around the Net for years. I first saw it in about 1997 or 1998...


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Submitted by Dusty Dirt Roads on Fri, 28/07/2006 - 08:20.
You actually came up with more ???
I love this thread, exellent stuff, lol.

Making light of it
Submitted by rustedshut on Sat, 29/07/2006 - 02:40.
There has been much ado in the academic world concerning the Speed of Light, and the implications of Dark thereon. Let us not forget in this war of hypotheses and opinions that Bad News obeys its own special laws and has a greater velocity in a vaccuum, as outlined by Douglas Adams.

in the mornin'
Submitted by L34 in hatch on Sat, 29/07/2006 - 08:03.
Have you noticed all the smoke escaping from the earth on some cold mornings, especially from the water?
This is the sun recharging. It is sucking up all the lectricity from the earth to keep it burning because the sun doesn't have a ultranatur. Some have been led to believe the sun is heating up the earth in the morning producing fog or mist. This is not true. This fog or mist IS smoke (lectricty).
So on those cold mornings, try not to breath, as your tricity is escaping! So wrap your mouth in black tape to stop it leaking and cover your head with a car cover.

Now Thats Funny!
Submitted by jack mac on Sat, 29/07/2006 - 20:11.
But you forgot to tell him to block his nose at the same time lol!

Submitted by Qute on Sat, 29/07/2006 - 08:10.
ROFLMAO....Ron, you're almost as sick as me...


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